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. | Python
2 (2002) |
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I recall falling asleep trying to watch Python a year or so ago, but it could have been jet lag (fat chance!) or so I convinced myself when confronted by a stack of shiny new DVD’s of Python 2 at the local high street shop. Being an absolute sucker for shark films, crocodile and alligator flicks, snake flicks, tick and roach flicks, worm flicks and in fact any nasty creepy crawly flick, I found the cover of Python 2 irresistible and popped up some popcorn for the occasion. The fact that the cast comprised of Billy Zabka, Dana Ashbrook and Simmone Jade MacKinnon shouldn’t make the slightest difference but it did suggest a production of the rather limited scale and lavishness.
The first noticeable thing about the film is that he cast made up of a lot of Russian sounding names which suggests that the film was an American-Russian co-production (how times have changed). The next thing one notices is that those who have been recruited to act in this five hundredth Anaconda spin off is that none of them can act. The third thing that is soon evident is the horrible tackiness of the special effects and the embarrassing shimmering CGI Python who has got to be the loudest snake in history. This snake roars, grunts, growls, snarls, gurgles, screams – in fact it seems to have a whole array of deadly thunderous sounds none of which involves any element of hissing. The plot is staple stuff for this kind of junk – a team of bad guys are out to capture the snake and sell it for tons of cash and are pitted against another group of evil nasties who also want the snake for themselves. Our hero is a failed American baseball star who “lucked out” and is now grovelling for work here somewhere out in the middle of Russia near Chechnya. It comes as little surprise that the Python has been created by a top secret military programme as the ultimate war machine! It pukes up black acid onto its victims and is unharmed by bullets and has an appetite that cannot be fulfilled even with constant feeding. The Americans have created it to unleash on errant “evil empires” like Iran, Libya and North Korea but this time things go horribly wrong and the deadly specimen goes AWOL having escaped from a crashed plane. Once again the star of this dismal show is the sound engineer who does his level best to make things appear interesting and even menacing by filling the movie up with wonderfully unlikely snake growling sounds blasting the viewer from all 5.1 directions. The python itself is a horribly fake shimmer of cheap CGI though it does perform some spectacular leaps and seems to be able to turn the laws of gravity redundant. The finest moment is appropriately left for the hair raising climax as our thus far failed hero has one last chance to redeem himself in his eyes and the eyes of the rest of the world. In order to slay the beast he has to symbolically slay his own demons as well because he has to throw a baseball style pitch that will either prove him to “be Da Man” or then be the loser than everyone suspects him to be. You will be cheering in your seats, if not off them as the rousing climax brings matters to a suitably brain dead conclusion with our hero pulling off the most amazing curveball ever, but will it be enough to strike out this CGI behemoth? Python 2 is a dreadfully amateurish, cheap and tacky effort with a snake that inspires pity rather than fear and a bunch of actors who really should be considering other career options. There are no redeeming features other than the spectacular soundtrack full of an array of superlative (snake) growls, snorts and screams; otherwise it really is rather lamentable. Maybe time to switch from the Python franchise to the King Cobra one?
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