I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle (1989)
Cast: Neil Morrissey, Amanda Noar, Michael Elphick, Anthony Daniels
Director: Dirk Campbell
Synopsis: Bad Taste humour years before it became the rage with American Pie and Co
Reviewed by: Omar Khan

Juvenile or even infantile are hardly words strong enough to describe the events contained within I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle, a late 80’s British horror slapstick farce aimed at those who might have enjoyed Sam Raimi’s spectacularly joyous Evil Dead antics.

The film begins with a motley gang of bikers performing some crazy demonic sacrifice trying to raise some spirit or the other but their efforts are rudely interrupted by a rival gang of equally grungy thugs who gatecrash the rituals and spray their opponents with crossbows among other things. The evil high priest is horribly charred but still manages to complete his devilish ritual, pouring his own blood into the fuel tank of an ominous looking Norton Motorbike, rekindling the demonic machines appetite for human blood.

A while later moronic despatch rider Noddy (Neil Morrissey) buys the dreaded bike off a dodgy second hand dealer but has problems getting it started. An equally brain-dead mate of his snags his hand on a sharp edge, spilling warm, fresh blood onto the bike’s yearning body. Moments later, having tasted blood, the bike springs menacingly into action and its excited new owner takes it for a test run. On his little jaunt Noddy comes across the ugly bikers who had attacked the Norton and its previous devil worshipping owners and all of a sudden feels his bike assuming a life of its own. However much Noddy seems to steer his vehicle it heads straight into the oncoming cluster of motorbikes sending them reeling off the street.

His suspicions about the bike having a “life of its own” are further fuelled by its habit of disappearing mysteriously, especially once the sun sets. One by one the demon-bike tracks down the gang of bikers who had dared to desecrate the satanic rituals and even damage its fuel carriage and hands out its own devilish justice in the most gruesome manner. Finally godless Noddy is forced to question his own non-beliefs and heads for the local church where he enlists the help of a priest and together they attempt to exorcise the possessed motorbike before its too late.

This zero-budget piece of horror nonsense can be classified as a Carry On version of The Evil Dead aimed at an audience of semi-comatose bikers who have long blitzed the few brain cells they might have been blessed with at birth. The humour can be seen to be way ahead of its time as it reeks of the same schoolboy toilet filth that has become mainstream of late in films like the Austin Powers sequels, There’s Something About Mary, Freddy got Fingered, American Pie and their likes. The highlight being a scene where a vile greasy looking turd leaps up into Noddy’s mouth from the pot! Bad Taste humour at least ten years before it became hip. The film continues in absolutely farcical, punch drunk mode with humour designed to appeal to the schoolboy moron in its audience.

This nonsensical piece of drivel though with its heart entirely in the right place is otherwise woefully incompetent and can surely appeal only to the types of people it depicts on screen. i.e. mentally retarded, brain dead bikers whose idea of funny is a loud fart or two. I bought a Vampire Motorcycle is about as funny as a loud fart and stinks as badly.