For those looking for a viable and dirt cheap alternative to Viagra, you need not look any further than bustling Raja Bazaar in Rawalpindi.

THE man with the mystic wares

Keep a sharp lookout for a character who looks exactly like the stock shady villain from absolutely any episode of Thunderbirds. He is the man with the mystical wares……spices, skins, nuts, juices, serums, talismans, live salamanders and scorpions, spiders and snakes all of whom he uses to extract his deadly potions.

Jars of the "secret potions"

The poor fellow and his subjects were just about wilting away under the blazing afternoon sun when we arrived looking for that extra something to enhance our own wilting wobblies. We were no less than dazzled by the wares on display and even more stunned as to what functions they were supposed to perform - 100% guaranteed.

Snake skin ready to be pummelled into powder

Other than the above mentioned "shot in the arm" for fading virility, there are all sorts of cures on hand. Rheumatism and arthritis will be cured in a matter of weeks……banished for ever with persistant use of a secret blend of Black Scorpion oil, essence of snake skin and those weird pulpy black oil balls which the alchemist refused to enlighten us as to the whereabouts of their origin. Migranes, aching joints and basically pain of any sort other than that of the heart can be cured by the careful balancing of various juices, oils, herbs and "things", all done with those bewildering mystic babblings and chants, fist shaking and salt chucking.

Salamander Oil Balls, our personal favourite!

We were a touch disappointed that a chicken wasn't immediately beheaded to pacify some of our numerous worldwide enemies. Anyway, we thought we came away with a real bargain - two vials of Black Scorpion serum, a vial of snake skin serum, herbs and oils and we were particularly chuffed at the 10% discount we got on Salamander Scale oil, a sure fire way to get the girls to take notice, he assured. In fact he warned us that the female reaction might overawe us as the results of correct usage of the potions was the most deadly aphrodisiac known to mankind.

Once we observe the results of the potions first hand, we are planning to market the potions through this web-site or indeed try a new ice cream flavour called Salamander Snake-Skin Chip topped with hot Black Scorpion oil and nuts. Alas, someone tells me the flavour is already available at a local ice cream shop under the guise of chocolate!

UPDATED IN NOVEMBER 2000.

We paid another visit to the man with the wares just recently and found that he had one or two new items to show off. Firstly he had a fresh set of reptiles, rather sprightly and thoroughly enjoying the cooler weather that winter brings. When we saw the reptiles in the middle of a horrible summer, they were more dead than alive. This time, we had to run for cover as one of the beasts decided to have our camera man for an afternoon snack! The fellow also had a new item to cure headaches; a dried bat!

Having survived that murderous assault by the man-eating giant lizard, we thought it better to consult the neighbouring "Islamic Parrot" whose speciality was fortune telling before venturing any further.

Indeed, for a mere Rs. 4 (US$ .06) you can have the dapper looking parrot pick out one of an array of cards which will have your fate scribbled within. Upon signal from his owner, the parrot skips off its perch and surveys the cards momentarily before striding to the correct one - the one that forecasts the future, good or bad, and is irreversible. The "Islamic Parrot" is quite callous in his assessments sometimes, not mincing words and being almost cruel in his decisiveness in deciding a poor mortals fate. Our poor subject, Shabbir was rather depressed by the future the parrot has said is in store for him. Testing times ahead, so says the parrot, but I was far too chicken to heed this parrots advice!

Rumour has it that some of the country's most powerful ministers and politicians and indeed army personnel have sought the advice of the resplendent "Islamic Parrot" and that has indeed served as an advisor to some of the nations previous regimes.

Finally, there was yet another mystic man on the Raja Bazaar bridge this time around - a rather proud snake man, whose cobra had begged temporary leave for the winter. He did however have with him three or four rather puny specimens that he stashed away in little clay pots. The little snakes were not in the least bit happy at being subjected to the wintery conditions and looked like they were quite miserable. They refused to cooperate when the "charmer" tried to play his "been" to them.

They absolutely had none of it, so he had to resort to another trick which had the masses gasping in admiration. He grabbed the three or four of the little ones by the tail and as they squirmed for warmth, bunged them into his mouth!

This was his party piece- having four tiny little, miserably cold snakes squirming away as they dangled from his mouth. Breathtaking stuff indeed as you will see.

Before leaving we checked out the bridge's resident dentist who showed us some of his wares and also assured us that the best medical treatment was available on the bridge as well as the finest surgical techniques and devices.

First you have salamander shit rubbed into your gums, then you are given some black scorpion oil to smear on your teeth before letting the dentist perform open air surgery in the middle of the bustling market.

You might do well to consult the fortune telling parrot before you decide to have root canal surgery performed on your mouth out here however - just to be absolutely certain.