CLASH OF THE TITANS: Big Daddy of Uganda Vs
Mr. FC College (Bronze Medal) Pakistan
by Swami Bhakitividenta Prabhupaada

Out of sheer boredom now that TV is filled with piffle, the bored people in Pakistan have been twiddling their thumbs making idle talk and out of this useless chatter comparisons between our own ex General Parvez Musharraf, who has now changed species and turned into a mere Civilian and the former Ugandan dictator General Idi Amin. Though the mere thought could be construed as being outrageous and even treasonous, the fact is that in the eyes of many, Idi Amin was a great African Nationalist who stood up to the colonial powers like Britain and kicked out the Israelis and hung out with the hip set like Kaddafi and Arafat. For many Amin was and remains a Hero, conversely there are those who can never forgive his excesses. If one was to imaginary match up between the two, you might end up with something like this:

Both Amin and Musharraf as Chief of the Armed Forces seized power by force. Both of them claimed to be compelled to do so to save the country from corrupt and incompetent governance and secondly to wage a war on; in Amin's case “Guerrilla insurgents” and in Musharraf case, the War on Terror. Both of them claimed they would head back to the barracks once they had “cleaned up the mess” but both did not. So far honours even. Score: Amin 0 – 0 Musharraf.

Both Amin and Musharraf came from humble backgrounds before being thrust into world prominence. Musharraf hails from a very reputable family and his parents have both had successful and distinguished careers. Musharraf's lot may not have been hugely wealthy but they certainly weren't struggling for food and shelter despite leaving their homes in Delhi like thousands of others to take up lives in a new country. Amin's parentage and background is rather more murky and little is known about his folk other than that he is from Kakwa stock who are followers of Islam. It has been said that Amin's mother was a “herbalist” which is a polite euphemism for “Witch”. Amin's father remains unknown. Musharraf takes the round when it comes to ancestry without too much difficulty though having a practicing witch as a mother does have certain exotic value. Score: Amin Dada 0 – 1 Musharraf.

Both Amin and Musharraf were apparently supremely gifted in athletic ability and the art of blowing their own trumpet; while Musharraf gloats “athletically I became a jack-of –all-trades, competing in gymnastics, cross-country, bodybuilding, and athletics. I was fourth in cross-country, was the top gymnast, and was third in the “Mr. FC College” bodybuilding competition”. Later a friend “told me at the time that I had a most muscular physique.” He goes on modestly to state that “I feel proud to say that I have always been loved by those under my command and therefore I could move them to achieve anything I desired. In the morning, I ran with them in the physical training (normally in the lead); I played football, hockey, basketball, and volleyball with them; I ran on the track with them; I fired small arms with them (they normally found me a better shot than most of them); and I ran gruelling obstacle courses with them…they always looked up to me.” - Tall claims indeed.

Amin too had his own delusions of grandeur and was a strapping bulldozer of a man who was indeed very athletic before his bulk and his bouts of syphilis became a burden. In his prime Amin was the heavyweight boxing champion of Uganda and quite an intimidating sight with the rugby ball buried in his massive hands. He also claims to have been able to run the 100 meters in 10.8 seconds which would make him among the fastest men ever to have stepped onto an athletics track. So, despite Musharraf's bronze medal position in the Mr. FC College competition, I reckon Amin takes the honours in the athletics department with Musharraf a distant second. A pinch of salt added to both boastful claims. Score: Amin Dada 1 – 1 Musharraf

Both Amin and Musharraf appeared to have suffered from delusions in that both claim that they had divine messages somehow passed to them by a “higher force”. In the case of Musharraf it was one dark night when he was in a very pensive frame of mind and had a sudden “thought” in “the form of a prayer” while for Idi Amin the voice of God arrived in a dream he had instructing him to rid Uganda of all its Asian population. In Musharraf's case the thought from the unknown came with a message which he still apparently carries around with him.

O Allah! The only thing I can promise my Army and my Nation is
Sincerity, honestly, integrity, and unflinching loyalty.
You give me the vision to see and perceive the truth from the false.
The wisdom to comprehend the problem and find a solution.
The courage to speak and project and the clarity to express the right.
The chance to serve the Nation as I deserve

Perhaps sublime, uplifting indeed inspiring words for some yet rather chilling and frightening words from the other side of the fence. Once again when it comes to prose and artistry, Idi Amin would defeat Musharraf hands down. Amin played the accordion with frightening dexterity, often regaling embassy officials from foreign lands with bizarre tunes accompanied by a miraculously fleet foot. Amin also wrote lyrics and recorded a couple of albums that would make Bob Dylan green with envy. Just sample the lyrics to this number titled Idi Idi Idi Amin, Most Amazing man there's ever been

Take Hitler, Stalin, Attila de Hun,
No One got a good word for a single one.
Where these first class geniuses all going wrong
They never got the population singing along
Idi Idi Idi Amin
Most Amazing man there's ever been
He De General, De President, de King of de scene
Idi , Idi, Idi Amin

So, Musharraf gets badly mauled when it comes to the arts and prose. Not that Parvez Musharraf isn't a man for the fine arts, he was after all seen enjoying Bombay Dreams which does suggest a discerning taste when it comes to serious theatre at least. We also know that The Musharraf's were raving about Sanjay Leela Bhansali's “Black” - Enough said, Amin wins hands down. Score: Idi Amin 2 – 1 Musharraf

Both Amin and Musharraf violated the country's constitution but Amin managed it only once while Musharraf has done it twice which is a first for world history I do believe. Musharraf wins this round. Score: Idi Amin 2 – 2 Musharraf

Amin, enraged at the independence of the church shot and killed Uganda's Anglican Archbishop Luwum in a mad rage while Musharraf's regime snuffed out a pseudo-religious hard line left wing socialist in the fiery Maulana Ghazi of the Lal Masjid. Amin takes honours due to the sheer outrageousness of his act while Musharraf at least had the country divided for his ends if not his means and methods. Score: Idi Amin 3 – 2 Musharraf

Amin once again enraged at the independent functioning of his Chief Justice had the man picked up and “killed in a car accident”. Rumour has it Amin ended up eating a slice or two of the Justice's flesh to make sure he wouldn't return to haunt him, this being a tried and tested Kakwa tribal custom. Parvez Musharraf also enraged at the independent functioning of his Chief Justice and the top Supreme Court judges and threw them into prison cells and house arrest. One of them is battling for his life at the time of going to press and might not live to see his grandchildren again thanks to the treatment of the Musharraf regime. Yet at least he hasn't yet been served up as Bihari Kebabs on the menu just as yet. Once again Amin must take the honours for the sheer flamboyance and gut wrenching horror of his act and the fact that our current regime has not yet resorted to having people die in staged car accidents. Score: Idi Amin 4 – 2 Musharraf

Amin despite his regular bouts of syphilis, his over indulgence in snake food didn't consume liquor. He did have several wives though and around 40 children while Musharraf is far more modest with just the one wife so far and two children. So let's say it's all even on this score because though our president did make some dreadful style clangers last year or two with that horrendous dark orange mehndi at least now he has decided to give it up. Score: Idi Amin 4 – 3 Musharraf

Among Amin's greatest achievements was the Bombing of Cape Town that was staged to celebrate one of his several weddings. The occasion was televised LIVE by national TV for his adoring public. Amin also liberated the Golan Heights from Israeli occupation even if it was solely in spirit rather than in political reality. He had made a mound in his back garden calling it Golan Heights and like a demented schoolboy his forces sneaked up to it and conquered it! But Musharraf's own track record is also a controversial one with Kargil a huge sore point the current situation nothing short of a fiasco.

Amin persecuted Asians while Musharraf persecuted lawyers. We can call it even on these issues.

But where Parvez Musharraf wins emphatically is that he has even written his autobiography while still being in power; an unprecedented event. Poor Idi Amin never got around to writing his autobiography alas and so Musharraf thrashes Amin in this regard. Not only has he written a book while still in power but what a book it is too. A rollicking best-seller worldwide and nothing short of being a revelation.

However surely he must have meant to exclude the poor Quaid e Azam when he viciously attacks “those boys who went to foreign universities, which have mostly produced political leaders disconnected from Pakistan's culture and history, leaders who have damaged the country, not only with their corruption but also with their alien political and economic philosophies” . Benazir not being a boy last time we saw her, escapes this particular as does Nawaz Sharif. Scores: Idi Amin 4 – 4 Musharraf

Amin enjoyed huge international notoriety and press coverage and his murder of a frail old lady Dora Bloch and the following Entebbe fiasco brought him the cover of Time Magazine among other accolades but Musharraf too has won that dubious distinction for his high profile. Honours even on this score too, leaving us with a final score of Idi Amin 4 – 4 Musharraf and with no extra time or penalties allowed, this would remain the result.

I shall leave you to mull over the following query. Who in your opinion is this statement referring to?

“(he) ruled not like a democrat but like a despotic dictator. He threw many of his opponents, including editors, journalists, and even cartoonists, into prison. He was really a fascist – using the most progressive rhetoric to promote regressive ends, the first of which was to stay in power forever. It was a tragedy, because a man of his undoubted capability could have done a lot of good for his country…I had come to the conclusion that (he) was the worst thing that had yet happened to Pakistan.”

Answer: The excerpt is from Parvez Musharraf's delusional masterpiece In the Line of Fire and it refers not to himself as many would correctly deduct, but to Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto.